REPORT FROM WEEK 294,
in which you were asked to take the name of a company or product, and give it a new definition.
Honorable Mentions:
Duncan Hines – The other brother, who tap-dances while yo-yoing. (Stephen Dudzik,
Silver Spring)
Cracker Jack – The new stadium in Alabama built by the Cooke family. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Mueslix – Sometimes your muse merely calls. Other times, it gets downright fresh.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Sudafed – A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.
(Antonio La Grech, Takoma Park)
Pop Secret – Paternity suit settled without publicity. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Vanish Drop-Ins – Poisoned elderberry wine. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Renuzit – Acne enhancer. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
The Body Shop – Jesse Ventura renames the governor's mansion. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Joseph Romm, Washington)
SnackWells – The areas around the cushions of one's living room couch,
in which one often finds vestiges of foods eaten while watching TV.
(Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)
Johnson & Johnson – The generic name for a gay porn flick. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Time Warner – Wrinkles, diminished eyesight, etc. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
Ritz Crackers – The Beverly Hillbillies.
(Courtney Sherwood, Reston)
Oral-B – Monica's grade on her last intern evaluation. (David Genser, Arlington)
Faberge Brut – A bad egg. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Ban Roll-On – We let those tree-huggers take away our aerosol
deodorants, but now they've gone too far. (Ralph Scott, Washington)
Corn Chex – Software to analyze your writing for stale humor. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Hostess Ho Ho's – Truth in advertising hits the "hostess" industry. (Ralph Scott, Washington)
Kenmore – Mattel finally introduces an anatomically correct companion for Barbie. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Big Red gum – Severe gingivitis.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Cremora – An eel-like parasite that clings to cows. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
John Deere – A company that writes personalized letters to end relationships. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Lipton Ice Tea – A rapper who sold out to The Man. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Washington Redskins – A brand of potatoes easily whipped. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Dimetapp – A cheap hooker. (John Kammer, Herndon)
Land O'Lakes – Where the Oxymoron Association's convention is being held this year. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
Frigidaire – The White House bedroom.
(Robin D. Grove, Arlington)
Maalox – Goat cheese and salmon spread.
(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)
Depends – President Clinton's definition of sex. (Andrew M. Cohn, Springfield)
Next Week: Panel Discussion